Who cares anyway? Nobody will read this, just need to vent.
For the past 5 years agoraphobia and depression has been ruining my life and preventing me from doing most of the things that i would love to be doing. I live on my own and if it wasn't for my girlfriend visiting me I'd probably never see anyone at all. I seriously couldn't tell you when anyone else came to see me, down side of having no social life or down side of being a cunt? I dunno, you decide.
6 months ago i was feeling a lot more positive about the road to recovery. The medication seemed to be helping a lot, i was able to go out places a lot more often (well, i was leaving the flat more than once a week), i was almost dealing with public transport, i wasn't vomiting because of nerves and anxiety so much. Things were looking a lot cheerier than they had for quite a while.
then i get a letter from the DWP informing me that i had a Medical Services interview coming up to assess my situation and whether or not i should receive any money from the government. I totally hate the idea that I'm no longer self sufficient. Hell, i used to have good jobs in Restaurant and bar management where i got paid good money. Anyway, i went to my medical services interview and explained how i was now feeling like i was making some advances towards hopefully getting back to work at some point in the future and how my new medication was having some good effects on my mindset.
So i failed. As of July 4th i was cut off and basically thrown on the scrapheap. That was a major blow to everything in my life because i really wasn't ready to look for work, and having the rug pulled from under me was a massive massive massive setback in just about every way possible. The depression came back worse than it had been for a long time, as a result that increased the nerves, the anxiety and the agoraphobia.
My only option was to appeal the decision and await a letter telling me where i was to go and when. While awaiting this letter i would be given just over £40 a week to survive on, not exactly the easiest thing in the world to do when you live alone and have a flat to support on your own. So it was time to start a diet of noodles and pasta and to forget any ideas of venturing into the outside world for any type of socialising.
A few months passed and i couldn't handle the wait any longer, i was told it should take about 3 months at the most. So at the end of October i called the appeals committee and was told that they hadn't even received any notification of my appeal. WHAT THE FUCK? I'd spent nearly 4 months waiting on them and they had no idea that i even existed. I eventually got hold of someone at the local DWP and they said that my case files may have been lost and I'd have to fill out an appeal form again. Double "WHAT THE FUCK?". I then got a phone call from the office manager saying that they were sorry about the mix up and that they would get everything arranged and marked as urgent. Hopeful news there.
2 weeks later i called up again and was told that there had been no mix up in the first place and that i would have to just wait. "How long?" i asked the inept person on the other end of the phone. "Well we have up to 3 months to forward the details, the appeals committee have 3 months to look over your case and then they have up to 3 months to contact you". In-fuckin'-sane. I had to go through this process once before and it only took 2 months from start to finish. I won my appeal that time and was told that the problem was down to the questionaire not being perfect. Turns out that even if you and the doctor agree that your agoraphobia prevents you from leaving the house regularly, and would interfere with any job you might get, you aren't awarded enough nutter points to keep getting any money. Even though you both agree that you're presently unable to hold down a job. What a great system.
Anyway, it has now been 6 months of £40 a week and i could be waiting another 6. It is winter and i can't afford to heat my flat and eat so the heating is off and extra clothing is on. On top of that i now have the TV Licensing people threatening a £1000 fine even though there is no way i can pay for anything except necessities. And its just over 2 weeks to xmas.
I have quite a large, close family. I'm just gonna have to be the insane disappointment to them all this year as there is no way the appeal will be dealt with by then. Perhaps i should just tell my mother's side that i'm having xmas dinner with my father's side and tell my father's side i'll be with my mother's side. That way i can just hide away in my flat and ignore the world until it all goes away.
That might be a plan actually. This past 6 months has set me back over a year in recovery, ironic eh? I guess you should never tell a government official that you're feeling a little bit better or you'll also have to suffer the shame of the guy in the Post Office pointing out that a 16 year old gets more to live on than you do. They say its to live on, but this isn't a life.
Tuesday, 11 December 2007
Dillinger Escape Plan - Ire Works
Mathcore is a horribly horribly geeky name for a genre but for The Dillinger Escape Plan it seems to fit perfectly, and that is coming from someone who wholly detests the way a "new" genre seems to appear every month. This album is a cold and calculating beast that clocks in at a strangely satisfying, yet short by modern standards, 39 minutes.
There are a few things about this album which mark it out as different from their 2004 album Miss Machine, but then that was different from 1999's Calculating Infinity. To start off with it is the band's first release without original drummer Chris Pennie, now full time with Coheed And Cambria. Pennie's shoes have been perfectly filled by Gil Sharone from Stolen Babies, who's drumming really is superb throughout. Guitarist Brian Benoit is also missing from this recording, due to suffering nerve damage. At the end of the day neither of those facts seem to make much difference to Ire Works, the major difference is the overall sound. It is the sound of a band who are on a very interesting evolutionary curve that would, no doubt, still have happened if Pennie and Benoit had been involved with recording. The first 2 tracks pick up perfectly from where Miss Machine left off but it is on the third track, Black Bubblegum, where the album starts to shift gear and insists on nothing less than your full attention. Out goes the screaming and Greg Puciato starts to slip between spitting the words into the mic and falsetto before the chorus piles into your ears with an annoying catchiness that will make some people wonder if their cd has mysteriously been switched between songs. This album has a more satisfying mix of styles and sounds than its predecessors but manages to have so many good hooks and great moments that it doesn't sound as if any particular aspect has been intentionally increased or decreased. If you liked tracks like Unretrofied, Setting Fire To Sleeping Giants and Crutch Field Tongs off the last album then you'll hear more stuff along those lines but with a more focused sound than before and even better production, and as usual all instruments are played to a level of precision that is almost surgical.
This time round the band seem more willing to let the programmed beats, bleeps and occasional pianos, lead tracks, like the wonderfully atmospheric and broody Dead As History or the 7 minute album closer, Mouth Of Ghosts. Sick On Sunday is an annoyingly short but superb track that contains such contrasting musical styles that it could so easily have sounded like a brave experiment, it veers from Autechre/Venetian Snares styled breaks and bleeps to melodic vocals and stabbing guitars in a split second. The only thing it leaves you wanting is for it to have been longer, but I guess that is the theme of this whole album. You could probably play it to a room full of people who can't normally stand heavier or experimental styles of music and each one would find things about it which would make them want to hear it again. The tracks seem to fit together perfectly, to just listen to a select few would cheapen the album, the tracks you listened to and the whole listening experience. From the jerky and aggressive opening track, Fix Your Face, to the piano led Jazz tinged finale, Mouth Of Ghosts, this album insists you listen to it and rewards you in equal measures.
It is no secret that Mike Patton's influence can be found on many of their releases, especially since he took the band on tour with Mr Bungle and has appeared on record as well as on stage with them. Patton fans could actually find themselves comparing certain tracks to the early Mr Bungle demos (Nong Eye Gong), Faith No More (Black Bubblegum, Mouth Of Ghosts), Tomahawk (Sick On Sunday) and Fantômas (Acting As A Particle). But to say that Patton's influence is obvious and undeniable would be cheating this album of just how great it truly is, it defies proper description without involving an essay and is continually surprising the listener with unexpected sounds and depth. Where Mike Patton makes conscious efforts to keep different styles of music limited to different projects DEP threw them all into the mix and created an album that will ensure continued interest in them for quite some time to come. Dillinger Escape Plan aren't everyone's cup of tea, they're not everyone's cup of coffee either, but this album is a tray full of double espressos with Tequila chasers.
The Dillinger Escape Plan tour the UK in February 2008, support comes from Between The Buried & Me and Stolen Babies.
February 12 Sheffield, U.K. Corporation
February 13 Newcastle, U.K. Academy 2
February 14 Manchester, U.K. Academy 3
February 15 Glasgow, Scotland Cathouse
February 16 Dublin, Ireland Whelans
February 17 Belfast, N. Ireland Spring & Airbrake
February 19 Leeds, U.K Cockpit
February 20 Birmingham, U.K Academy 2
February 21 Yeovil, U.K Orange Box
February 22 Bristol, U.K Academy
February 23 London, U.K Astoria 2
February 24 Brighton, U.K Concorde 2
There are a few things about this album which mark it out as different from their 2004 album Miss Machine, but then that was different from 1999's Calculating Infinity. To start off with it is the band's first release without original drummer Chris Pennie, now full time with Coheed And Cambria. Pennie's shoes have been perfectly filled by Gil Sharone from Stolen Babies, who's drumming really is superb throughout. Guitarist Brian Benoit is also missing from this recording, due to suffering nerve damage. At the end of the day neither of those facts seem to make much difference to Ire Works, the major difference is the overall sound. It is the sound of a band who are on a very interesting evolutionary curve that would, no doubt, still have happened if Pennie and Benoit had been involved with recording. The first 2 tracks pick up perfectly from where Miss Machine left off but it is on the third track, Black Bubblegum, where the album starts to shift gear and insists on nothing less than your full attention. Out goes the screaming and Greg Puciato starts to slip between spitting the words into the mic and falsetto before the chorus piles into your ears with an annoying catchiness that will make some people wonder if their cd has mysteriously been switched between songs. This album has a more satisfying mix of styles and sounds than its predecessors but manages to have so many good hooks and great moments that it doesn't sound as if any particular aspect has been intentionally increased or decreased. If you liked tracks like Unretrofied, Setting Fire To Sleeping Giants and Crutch Field Tongs off the last album then you'll hear more stuff along those lines but with a more focused sound than before and even better production, and as usual all instruments are played to a level of precision that is almost surgical.
This time round the band seem more willing to let the programmed beats, bleeps and occasional pianos, lead tracks, like the wonderfully atmospheric and broody Dead As History or the 7 minute album closer, Mouth Of Ghosts. Sick On Sunday is an annoyingly short but superb track that contains such contrasting musical styles that it could so easily have sounded like a brave experiment, it veers from Autechre/Venetian Snares styled breaks and bleeps to melodic vocals and stabbing guitars in a split second. The only thing it leaves you wanting is for it to have been longer, but I guess that is the theme of this whole album. You could probably play it to a room full of people who can't normally stand heavier or experimental styles of music and each one would find things about it which would make them want to hear it again. The tracks seem to fit together perfectly, to just listen to a select few would cheapen the album, the tracks you listened to and the whole listening experience. From the jerky and aggressive opening track, Fix Your Face, to the piano led Jazz tinged finale, Mouth Of Ghosts, this album insists you listen to it and rewards you in equal measures.
It is no secret that Mike Patton's influence can be found on many of their releases, especially since he took the band on tour with Mr Bungle and has appeared on record as well as on stage with them. Patton fans could actually find themselves comparing certain tracks to the early Mr Bungle demos (Nong Eye Gong), Faith No More (Black Bubblegum, Mouth Of Ghosts), Tomahawk (Sick On Sunday) and Fantômas (Acting As A Particle). But to say that Patton's influence is obvious and undeniable would be cheating this album of just how great it truly is, it defies proper description without involving an essay and is continually surprising the listener with unexpected sounds and depth. Where Mike Patton makes conscious efforts to keep different styles of music limited to different projects DEP threw them all into the mix and created an album that will ensure continued interest in them for quite some time to come. Dillinger Escape Plan aren't everyone's cup of tea, they're not everyone's cup of coffee either, but this album is a tray full of double espressos with Tequila chasers.
The Dillinger Escape Plan tour the UK in February 2008, support comes from Between The Buried & Me and Stolen Babies.
February 12 Sheffield, U.K. Corporation
February 13 Newcastle, U.K. Academy 2
February 14 Manchester, U.K. Academy 3
February 15 Glasgow, Scotland Cathouse
February 16 Dublin, Ireland Whelans
February 17 Belfast, N. Ireland Spring & Airbrake
February 19 Leeds, U.K Cockpit
February 20 Birmingham, U.K Academy 2
February 21 Yeovil, U.K Orange Box
February 22 Bristol, U.K Academy
February 23 London, U.K Astoria 2
February 24 Brighton, U.K Concorde 2
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